Please Note: This was a planned blog post a long time ago that never got written, but since this question comes up every so often (unfortunately) I thought it could still be useful to post the incomplete blog which may contain helpful suggestions. Feel free to comment on this post if you have other suggestions. I have included some replies to my original post after the list.
I was in the middle of writing an article about what friends could do that really helped us when we were at our lowest lows and in and out of hospital and treatment.
My wife (mostly) and I came up with the following.
What else would you add?
- Shabbat meals – full with challah / twice weekly meal train at the beginning
- An aroma/Starbucks gift card or similar for a coffee shop in the hospital
- Organize weekly cleaner if there’s none
- Teenager to come wash dishes and fold laundry
- Teenagers to come play with other kids
- Rides for other kids to and from school and after school activities
- Monthly Ben and Jerry’s ice cream drop off
- Drop off art supplies for other kids
- Someone to coordinate bituach leumi/Social Services, other bureaucratic details – reduction in utilities etc.
- Buy clothes for other kids before festivals
- Babysitting help so both parents can be at the hospital at the same time
- Buy things over and above the ordinary – school supplies, school projects,
- Extra phone charges, battery pack for the hospital.
From a mother dealing with her own cancer:
- Our neighbor, a professional gardener, took over gardening duties from the minute I was diagnosed until I was done treatment.
- Someone from our shul, who I barely knew, made us a cake/dessert every single Friday for over 5 months
- Someone else from our shul, also barely an acquaintance, sent us (the parents/adults) on an all-expenses paid holiday after I was done treatment
Note from the editor: There is a general feeling that people going through treatment or caring for others want to see LIFE rather than death. Things like the garden or playing with a baby are great forms of therapy for that reason.
From another lady dealing with her own cancer:
My best help was having people and friends come with me for treatments. One friend cooked the seder meal including all the things for the seder plate because the seder was Friday nite and I had a treatment on Thursday. Actually without these friends I never would have made it thru the ordeal.
From a mother of a teenage child with cancer:
- Grocery shopping
- Older teen to help other kids with homework/studying for tests
- Parent in the same class as the sick child to coordinate visits in person, in the hospital, or while home-bound, if possible and where in-person visits are not possible, video calls/ Face time.
- Likewise to coordinate how to keep the sick child in touch with the youth group.
- As far as meal train, I think it is important to have one point of contact who with speak to the family about food preferences and coordinate the meals, including making order in the fridge and throwing away old/yucky food once a week.
- Same coordination for bringing food to the hospital, whether it’s Shabbat food, during the week, healthy snacks.
- I think it’s very important in general to have a point person who can be the one who speaks with the family, rather than many people making many phone calls and taking up head-space.
- When one of my children was very sick a good friend brought us freshly baked Challot every Shabbat. She did hafrashat challah every week and brought us challah. That was really special on many levels.
From a mother with cancer:
- As I was the ill mom, friends arranged for a lice/nit picker to deal with that issue.
- Also, one of my kids became a Ben bayit (guest) by friends after school every day. So helpful to know that he was in good hands.
- The best gift was a housecleaner twice a week and pizza delivery every Tuesday when kids had tzofim/bnei akiva (youth group)