Growing up, I always had the belief that if I was a good girl, then I’d be rewarded and things would work out for the best. For example, I was taught that if we treat people nicely, then people will be nice to us. Parents, me being one of them, use this kind of reward-and-punishment teaching system all the time. “Tidy your room and then we can go and have ice-cream,” or even, “finish your homework first and then you can watch TV”. It is not a bad system, but it does instill in us as children the belief that if we are good, then good things will happen, and if we are bad, then bad things will happen – or not even bad things will happen, but more a case of the good things won’t happen.
When we get older, as much as our parents try and protect us, we slowly learn that this is not always the case and that bad things will still happen – even if we’ve been mostly good. We’ll have a bad month or bad year, we’ll struggle, we’ll be faced with hard decisions, people will hurt us or we’ll experience harsh things. Sometimes we can rationalize why we have to go through those experiences – G-d wants us to learn xxx from this. He’s trying to make me a better, stronger person, He wants me to take better care of myself – eat better, do more exercise, He wants me to be kinder. He’s testing us… However, there are some things that happen to us or to those we love in our life that we have no answers to. The minute my son got so violently ill, lost his speech, ability to move and was faced with harsh cancer treatments, the concept of “good, bad and punishment” became so blurred that it was almost crushing – there was no way we could “rationalize” why our kid had to go through this. What did my kid do? And what did I do?
And what about those other children who are also so incredibly sick. In our brain cancer and recovery journey, we’ve seen babies as young as a few months old diagnosed with cancer, or be born with all kinds of physical and mental disabilities. When you see these things, you cannot help but ask or wonder, what did they do to deserve this punishment? Or their parents? The parents who couldn’t have children, struggled for years and years, and then eventually fell pregnant with a child, who at the age of 2 was diagnosed with a terribly rare form of cancer. Or the other couple who struggled to fall pregnant, and whose only son was born so incredibly autistic that at the age of 11 years old, still could not even talk, and probably never will.
We’ve just had the Jewish festival of Rosh Hashanah, the day that marks when the world was first created and that which we believe G-d judges us and the world for the coming year ahead. He marks down His judgement and what His plans are for us based on our deeds during the year that has past. And just coming up to Yom Kippur, the day when Jews all over the world will fast, and become “like angels” to ask G-d to forgive our sins and ensure that the decree He seals us in for, is a good one for a good year ahead. And it is easy to understand why on this festival we revert back to that concept of reward and punishment that we had as children. To think, if I’ve done more good things this year, and been a better person than I’ve ever been in my life, then surely G-d will give me a good year?
The reality is that things could be the total opposite. It could be the most amazing year we’ve ever had – even if we’ve been really bad, or unfortunately, we could have the worst year, even if we’ve been really good. The concept of “if we are good, then we get rewarded” doesn’t equal each other in the way we expect them to as the “reward” may in fact not be for the next upcoming year. And there really are no answers for why we have to struggle in the ways we do. As Jews, we believe that our reward and punishment is not like that of a parent teaching a child i.e. – you do good, and you’ll be rewarded. Our struggles in this world, our challenges and our tests, are just that – they are not a “punishment” for what we have or have not done. We cannot see the entire picture, definitely not when we are going through with our “punishment” and maybe not even in our lifetime. We just have to “do good” because it is the right thing to do. When we see people suffering, or killed in terrorist attacks, and wonder why did they have to die before their time, or why do they have to suffer? We think it is not fair. But maybe it is. Maybe this is what is meant to happen. As my father has told me my entire life: “Who says that life is meant to be fair?” And just maybe, he’s right. Maybe our struggles are just that – meant to be part of our life.
We have no idea what the purpose is of our “punishments” or tests or struggles. And we have no idea when our good deeds will be remembered and rewarded. And we have to understand that we may never understand. We do not know what our purpose is in life, what the purpose of our tests or ‘punishments’ are and we may never get any answers to those “why’s”. But at the end of the day, each one of us, whatever god we believe in, we will all have our own unique struggles and tests and “punishments”, always. They may look more challenging at certain points in our life and feel easier at others. They may not even ever be because of something we have or have not done. But one thing is for sure – whatever they are, they are meant to be part of our life. And there is only one thing to do – to face them head on, ride the waves of life and tread the tsunamis that hit us as best as possible.
May we all ride our struggles with ease and face our challenges with strength. May we have more insights into our purpose in this world and may we all merit an easier, healthier and happier year.
Gmar Chatima Tova (may you be sealed for good).
