This is a very strange post, as I still feel like a newbie to cancer being a year into it with my son. We are constantly meeting parents of children who have been going through it for years. Obviously, this post is not only for parents, but I am writing it such as that is what my experiences are.
I will try not to sugarcoat anything.
- Your life is about to change in every single way. Work, marriage, friends, financial EVERYTHING. There is no specific advice to help you prepare for that, but perhaps being aware of it will help. Also, I guess it’s a lead in for why other pieces of advice are so important.
- Do you work? Does your partner work? Do you have jobs or are you self-employed? Are you going to have money coming in? Even if you have significant savings, together with all of the added expense they will not last long enough. Try and think now of a fall back.
- I think one of the mistakes that we made was not meeting with a budget planner. What happens if you can’t work for the next year? How about if things go wrong and you can’t work for years? What are you going to do?
- Never ever feel guilty about taking money or help from the government or charities. You are exactly the people who it is there to help. You will NEED that help. When things are better again (and they will be), you are likely to be the first to donate more back to the charities who helped you. If your family offer you money then take it. They WANT to give it to you and it will help you.. It is incredibly humbling and one of the things that made me cry the most. However, all and any help made things easier for my family.
- Some people who you hardly know will be the biggest help to you. Some people who are your bestest friends won’t help at all. It just happens and it doesn’t help to get upset about. Other people have their own problems which may be the reason why they can’t help. Some people aren’t that kind of people but are wonderful in other areas. I can genuinely say that I have no hard feelings to friends who haven’t supported us.
- If someone offers help, then take it. If someone doesn’t actually want to help then they shouldn’t offer!
- When someone offers help, try and get them to be specific. The most helpful people will be those who offer some specific help. For example, to pick up bread and milk in the morning.
- NEVER ever ever feel guilty or too proud to take help. You very quickly should get used to saying yes to people. You WILL need help however wealthy you are and however much family you have around.
- If you have other kids, you have an extra responsibility. We have three. Who is going to be looking after them if neither parent can be there?
- If you have other kids, they are also going through an extremely difficult time. As hard as it is, try and give them time also. You will constantly be faced with decisions where you have to compromise giving them what they need because your efforts are elsewhere. It really sucks. Cancer sucks also. The whole situation sucks.
- You will face philosophical and religious questions. There are no answers. Feel free to look for them, but don’t be disappointed when they aren’t there.
- You and your partner are going through this together. It is hard not spending a night at home together in 6 months. It is hard constantly being in stress. It is hard not going out together for an evening. Try and find strategies to offer each other support as much as possible. Keep talking to each other, find small moments in the madness, make the less time you have more about quality.
- Unfortunately this is just the start of your journey. Even if everything goes right, then there will be a lot that goes wrong. Even when the initial treatment finishes, there are likely to be difficulties whether emotional or physical in the future.
- There is no right or wrong emotional reaction. Some feel nothing for months. Literally nothing. Some lose it emotionally. Don’t try and fit in with what other people are expecting. Think of it all as a survival mechanism that your body is telling you that you need.
- Be selfish. Like, really really selfish. You need to think about you and your family. If you are not at your best then you won’t be able to offer adequate care to your child.
- Ignore anyone who offers you a new ‘wonder’ treatment. Carrot juice, beans etc. We have heard them all. The medical field is trusted upon because they use science. What you are hearing is the one in a thousand stories of someone who was cured. Speak to your doctor before trying anything as it could be dangerous otherwise. Do NOT believe in a miracle cure. They don’t exist. There is no world conspiracy amongst doctors. Think about it…
These are the first that come to mind. Please leave a comment with anything extra.
